The pain is starting in earnest now. I have been sawn in half and there is no talking my way out of it. The pain of a lifetime. There is no way out. I want to accept it but it is too big. It is starting now. It is starting now.
I have to accept it. It’s like holding something very hot which is burning me and so I turn it around and around in my hands, hot, hot, hot, hot, but still I can’t put it down, there’s no where to put it down. If I could put it down with God.
He doesn’t care, if anything I think he’s momentarily amused. Where did this feeling come from? It is going to take a complete re-orientation of my body, my mind, everything about me to swallow this. It is happening now, I am stupid with the profundity of it. Stupid. The sun looks blue. These things which I can’t let go, these lives which I can’t afford, oh please God help me. I am earnestly praying. Oh please God. Oh please God help me.
This pain which I dimly suspect goes all the way back to my mother, my father, but for some reason has come to rest in this person, in him. This dull place like an aching tooth which is my customary home away from the home I have never had. This howling place between sheer windowless buildings. This pain, it is starting. I will be alone, alone. All of it was gone, before it even started. The painting is made before the brush is lifted. All of it, a koan I never unraveled, stands staring me in the face like a wall of rifles. Sawn in half, and I look around, scooping up parts of myself. Trying to talk my way out of it. Please God. Please don’t leave me alone. I am stupid and have no business handling such things.
I will go to bed, and when I wake up, it will be there. In my dreams, it will be there. Please show me the way out. I want to feel competent. I want to see the sun. I will have to admit this. Turning it around, and around, will I whittle it away. Spring is coming. Help me God.
